Home Truths
My name is Robert Barnes and here is where I was forged. In these small streets lined by uniform terraced houses with tiny front gardens is where I first learned fear and self loathing, the narrow roads reflecting the minds of my friends and neighbours. It is here where I learned so successfully to hide in full view, like a cuckoo's egg, claiming love and respect through pretence. The Christian hypocrisy of a congregation that went quickly from being sinners to being absolved and from their partners to their mistresses piously condemned me for my as yet unfulfilled transgressions. It was from the full force of their disapproval that I found the ultimate hiding place. It wasn't in the darkness of the slim alleys that broke the chain of housing stock at regular intervals nor in the few groups of bushes planted as a reminder of rural idylls. It was in a small corner of my mind which kept my true nature conveniently out of sight, even from myself.
As a young boy I gave no thought to challenging any of the inalienable truths that pervaded the neighbourhood. I could no more shift the pervading moral paradigm than I could move one of the three horse chestnut trees growing in the small triangular green in front of our home. Nor did I have any inclination to try. It was only as I grew older that my body forced my mind to confront its most deeply buried shame. I remember vividly the first time that a general feeling of unease coalesced into a solid understanding of my situation. My friends and I walked two rows of houses to the local park. It was the biggest green space on the otherwise mostly concrete estate. We went to the football pitch, passing both the playground containing brightly coloured swings, see-saw and roundabout and the shallow lake, which we sometimes ran through during our school cross country races. The pitch was about half size, perfect for the 5 a side game we usually played. After the game, Ian Jacobs and I walked the same route home. As we walked past a short row of shops, I caught myself looking at Ian. I found that the more I looked, the more I enjoyed looking.
As I look at the same row of shops now, I see that they have all changed hands, and yet still there is a grocers, a bakers, a butchers, a newsagents, a hairdressers and a pharmacy. I have changed too and yet retain the basic elements of my old self. Being here, an adult in my childhood environment, reminds me of my old fears. But they are conquered now. It is new fears that tax me and I draw strength from the victories of my first battleground to fortify me for the challenges ahead.
As a young boy I gave no thought to challenging any of the inalienable truths that pervaded the neighbourhood. I could no more shift the pervading moral paradigm than I could move one of the three horse chestnut trees growing in the small triangular green in front of our home. Nor did I have any inclination to try. It was only as I grew older that my body forced my mind to confront its most deeply buried shame. I remember vividly the first time that a general feeling of unease coalesced into a solid understanding of my situation. My friends and I walked two rows of houses to the local park. It was the biggest green space on the otherwise mostly concrete estate. We went to the football pitch, passing both the playground containing brightly coloured swings, see-saw and roundabout and the shallow lake, which we sometimes ran through during our school cross country races. The pitch was about half size, perfect for the 5 a side game we usually played. After the game, Ian Jacobs and I walked the same route home. As we walked past a short row of shops, I caught myself looking at Ian. I found that the more I looked, the more I enjoyed looking.
As I look at the same row of shops now, I see that they have all changed hands, and yet still there is a grocers, a bakers, a butchers, a newsagents, a hairdressers and a pharmacy. I have changed too and yet retain the basic elements of my old self. Being here, an adult in my childhood environment, reminds me of my old fears. But they are conquered now. It is new fears that tax me and I draw strength from the victories of my first battleground to fortify me for the challenges ahead.